First I want to say that I am very uncomfortable writing this post. I don’t know what the future holds for me and it is upsetting and scary.
Lets talk about something that is constantly brought up with me. I’m 29 years old and do not want, nor never have wanted kids. As far back as I could remember I haven’t wanted them. My family all assumed I would change my mind once I got older but I still stand strong with my decision. This is something I am very open about because having a child is a life changing decision and you are bringing a child into the world. I can’t just have a child for someone else wishes.
That being said, since high school I have been in two serious relationships, one I am still in. The first we dated for 5 years and around the 4th year of being together it finally hit him that I was serious when I said I didn’t want kids. This is not the reason we broke up, but it was one of the reasons. He knew my position but I guess just figured later on I change my mind. Well, I didn’t. I get mixed emotions with this because do I get frustrated that he wasn’t listening this whole time when I said I didn’t want them. But at the same time he was very verbal about wanting them, so I was just as wrong as he. I decided that it was best to end this relationship, more so for other reasons but this was one.
Now I am currently in a relationship and we’ve been together for over three years. We live together, have talked about buying a house and getting married. Before we started dating, when we were getting to know each other, I once again was very open about not having kids. He had told me he never really thought about it, just assumed one day he would because most people do. He was 24 and I was 26 when we met.
Now three years later, about a month ago I noticed he was acting weird. I felt like he was avoiding me but he kept insisting nothing was wrong. Finally, maybe 10 days later he finally talks to me. We had recently gone to a wedding and something triggered his feelings for a family. He said he never would think about it but something at the wedding hit him hard that if he stays with me he will never have a family. My first reaction was anger. This is the reason I am so open about it, having children is basically the reason for life. I know most people want them, so I let everyone know from the very beginning I do not. I was angry that he knew this and just pushed his feelings back and chose not to think about it. Once the anger passed and I thought more, I couldn’t be mad at him about it. For one thing, he was younger than I was and probably being years later he has matured and is realizing what he wants out of life.
Such a difficult topic. I once was very set on getting an abortion if I ever did end up getting pregnant, now I’m not so positive about that. I love him and don’t want to break up but all I can say is I can’t guarantee I won’t change my mind years from now. I want to be open to having kids, I don’t think I could have an abortion anymore. That’s the best answer I could give him.
Lets get into way I don’t want kids. I think it goes hand in hand with my social anxiety/phobia. It’s not just me being nervous or anxious around people. I have a legit fear of the human body. That in no way explains how I feel, but I haven’t been able to put it into words yet. If you were to think of the universe as just living and non living organisms, the living body of human beings brings me more anxiety and negative feelings than anything else. I just got a little weird there, but I’m trying to put into perspective the deeper emotions going on. No, I’m noot that great with kids, interacting with kids does not come natural to me. But aside from that, the fear I have is on a much deeper level. It has nothing to do with being pregnant, labor, or the responsibility of raising a child. It is my fear of people.
What do I do?
Hi, I'm Kellie, but I like my middle name too Andre', so call me Kell Andre'. My alter-ego is Blossom, hopefully I'll be traveling a lot in the near future, and leaving the pain behind me!